Transition

So it looks like Lucky’s experiencing a bit of writer’s block… just hasn’t been inspired to write anything. :)

Ah well… I have enough babble in me for the both of us… lol Except for the last week, of course… battling pain usually isn’t conducive to positive inspirational flow. My recent batch of migraines hasn’t quite cleared up yet, but I think it’s breaking, so at least my brain can function a bit now. :)

So on to the topic of this entry… transition. Lucky and I do ultimately want to chronicle the history of how we arrived at this point… but for now, I only want to address just enough to explain how odd this transition is for me.

See, I’ve lived a fairly solitary existence. Now don’t get me wrong… my relationship with my family is a very close one, and my travels and course in life have brought me in contact with enough people that more than a few have stuck… though only a few have stuck deep. But for the most part, I’ve enjoyed my own company best. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which was a rather impressive neurosis where members of the opposite sex are concerned.

The closest I’d ever previously experienced to a romantic relationship occurred about 15 years ago, and consisted of roughly a week of concentrated togetherness. I worked with the guy on the airfield, and then he was constantly in attendance at my home. He finally drove me buggy enough that I kicked him out of my home and studiously avoided him at work. Don’t worry… that’s the only reference I’ll make to any other men in this blog. He doesn’t even really rate enough for an honorable mention, but I wanted to stress a point, here, about myself.

Which is, essentially, that my relationship maturity level hasn’t been quite as developed as I could hope.

But it’s certainly been growing by leaps and bounds over the last year. I’ve found my world has been completely turned upside down… as I understand can happen when one falls in love. I’d heard of the phenomenon… I don’t think I’d been quite ready for the sledgehammer impact. But then, I guess, who is?

So it turns out the answer to my neurotic solitary existence was not a big, tough, knight in shining armor strong enough to tear down my walls. It was a sweet, gentle, patient, hopeless romantic who inspired me to tackle my own walls, myself. Why that solution never occurred to me I’ll never know, but it has been glaringly obvious. It even falls right into my own theory that only we as individuals can solve our own problems… we just have to discover the proper inspiration to do so.

I suppose there’s no little irony in the fact that the relationship that has worked has consisted of about a year of concentrated UNtogetherness… a condition that will continue for at least another 8 months (hopefully no more than that, if all of the visa paperwork goes through without a hitch). But I’m beginning to believe that our enforced separation has been precisely what I need to sanely transition out of my solitary life. Though it has caused us enough miscommunications, a bit of heartache, and missing each other tremendously, it doesn’t take an awful lot of digging to remember the benefits.

On the front end of the situation, our disparate positions in time and space have forced us to get to know each other before physical matters were even a factor. We’ve learned each other’s intellectual and emotional strengths and weakness… have weighed them with our own… and have accepted them. In fact, we’ve rather intertwined them almost seamlessly, so that the strengths of each of us perfectly counterbalance the weaknesses of the other.

On the back end, our extended separation has provided us an opportunity to slowly accustom ourselves to the prospect of sharing our lives, space and home with the other half of our heart. Those hearts already stretch across the Atlantic, and we’ve already changed our lives considerably to accommodate each other. Finding time to be in contact every day… coordinating his schedule and mine, not to mention the time difference. Learning to be considerate of each other when making decisions and simply conducting our every day life. But the permanent sharing of personal space is still an abstract concept. Oh, the few weeks we’ve spent together have been awesome… but they’ve been temporary. Easy to incorporate into our existences in the context of a short-lived adventure.

Even now, the prospect of his visit here in May is beginning to lie somewhere in the hazy realm between readying my heart and home for a visitor… and welcoming him as a new occupant. Where I don’t know quite whether to treat him like a guest, or ask him to help with the chores… lol

Every day, new realizations come to me in little shocks… reminders of how every aspect of my life will change even more in just 8 months. When I sign my name and think I’ll have to get used to signing it differently. When I come home to my empty house, which very strongly reflects my own personality, and think that it will soon be filled and molded by a whole nother personality. When I watch tv and think what other channels he may want to watch. When my friends talk of social activities, and I realize I’ll actually have somebody to do them with. When I fix a quick meal of cheese and crackers and think of having twice as many people to cook a real meal for. When I see people with their pets, and I wonder if I’ll be ready for another one soon… and if he’ll want one, too. And, of course, seeing children and no longer thinking of them as peripheral entities in my life.

I suppose all of the above are really rather typical transitions that every "single" person must deal with when facing the merging of their life with another. But I think I’m rather thankful for the opportunity of an extended buffering transition period. Time to just get used to the IDEA of complete change before it plops itself into my lap. :)